Friday, September 20, 2013

Home Depot: Crying Like a Kardashian

Today, I finally decided to replace the refrigerator. I have been putting it off, even though I love appliances.

I am putting it off because my refrigerator looks like this:

See all of those missing shelves? Ian. He liked to pull up INTO the fridge to get whatever he was after. One by one, he broke them all. We would glue them, but they would break again.

I look at the fridge like I look at the scratch on my car. Marks of Ian. Slowly, the marks go away and get phased out. When we came home from the hospital without him, all of his clothes had been lovingly washed and put away by my friend.

I lost his scent.

When we had a housekeeper come over, she washed the walls.

I lost his handprints.

It must be everyone's fear, when they lose someone, that eventually they will lose all of the reminders. I feel it very deeply as I shop for a new fridge.

I also made it a priority today to buy the Rubbermaid containers for all of Ian's stuff. I haven't touched his room yet. I have taken all of the things throughout the house  that were his, and relocated them there. I can't leave his room as a mausoleum. I don't want to be THAT weird lady.

So I am at Home Depot, being ignored by the appliance guy who is working with another couple. I decide I will order the microwave online and head to the storage area.

I am then facing a large wall of Rubbermaid containers. I start to cry. Not little-bit cry, but like, big, sloppy tears. Some look just like caskets. Some are too small. How many do I need to pack away my baby?

Is this enough?








So here I am. Trying to hide my tears, since someone will ask what is wrong.

By the way, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT DEAD CHILDREN! It is uncomfortable for me, and I think, even more uncomfortable for the listener.

I quickly slip on my huge sunglasses. Inside the store! (This is the Kardashian part) I quickly head for the register. I pick the one register manned by an older gentleman. They never ask questions. He didn't. I hauled them into my trunk and start sobbing.

Here are my purchases today. Appliance Direct was an easier experience.


4 comments:

  1. Losing the scent is the worst part to me, though it's probably the hardest preserve. Fuck it if your grief makes people uncomfortable. Seriously. You should not have to care about that on top of the already overwhelming emotions you have to deal with.

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  2. I pray for your healing! More than you may know. I miss him too.

    ReplyDelete