Mid-Trip Lamentations: Why am I doing this?

Two days ago I had a bad "Ian" day. That's what I am calling it. I don't know how else to describe the dark days that accompany loss. Most people, at least people I know, know exactly what I mean when I am having a "bad Ian day." They just don't know what to do. They nod silently. Serious in expression. There really isn't anything to say, is there?

It started with a "do-nothing" day. We were in central Massachusetts in the lake house we have rented for 3.5 weeks while touring New England. We just had returned from a 4 day jaunt to Vermont. We had a marvelous time (blog coming soon). We were tired. We didn't want to do anything.

Being Irish, I feel that means I need to cozy up to a nice mixed drink, snuggle under a blanket in the living room, and multitask between my iPad and TV. All day.

Now friends... Lets talk.

I know you don't know that I am having a bad day, but did it HAVE TO coincide with the most sappy day of shared videos on Facebook. I watched quadriplegics being carried on the back of their new wives. I watched chubby wubby babies being adorable. I watched videos of children being achingly honest. I watched old men/women mourning the loss of their spouses.

It was torture!

As a woman, I MUST torture myself with this sappiness on a regular basis to keep my "woman card." I actually usually like it. Relish it. Perpetrate several happily-ever-after scenario in my head.

It was too much.

Couple that with the kids watching that HORRIBLE movie "Up," which just happened to be one of Ian's favorite movies.

I was a leaking, sappy, sobbing mess. All day.

It made me start thinking. Why am I doing this? Why am I traveling? Why am I away from my bed, my cat, my home, my friends, my bar, my family?

I'm not sure. Maybe that is WHY I am doing this. To figure this out. To figure out what I want to do. What Chris and I want to do. What we want to be. Everything has changed. Our future is unclear.

On the other hand, I feel that I am avoiding. I am avoiding the empty bedroom. I am avoiding the framed pictures on the wall. I am avoiding the "niceness" of everyone who feels pity.

I also feel that I am doing what I would have wanted to do with Ian. Packing into one short year. I would want him see these cities. Tour these factories. Play in the snow. He had done a ton of stuff in his short six years, but I had plans for so much more.

So, as I sit in the bitterly cold north, sipping drinks, trolling Facebook, and working on doing nothing. I want you to know, I am working on everything. Working on my future. Never thought I would have to do that.