My daughter is a little me.
Her river runs deep. She has a stiff upper lip and a stoic personality.
We knew when Ian died, we needed to get her help immediately. We were able to score an awesome counselor. She saw him every two weeks.
It took eight months for her to "open up" about Ian and her grief with the counselor. She loved the concept of client-counselor confidentiality. I have no idea what she talked about.
Meanwhile, at home, we have been dealing with the utter disregard of an eight year old.
It started two months after the death. We planned a road trip to DC to visit my older brother's family and spend Thanksgiving with them.
She stretched across the back seat of the car and proclaimed "Ahhhhh! This is nice! I like being an only child."
I almost throttled her.
BUT, I AM THE ADULT... I AM the adult. I am the adult
I calmly explained to her that it "hurt my feelings when she made comments like that."
She still can't keep it in. There are so many advantages of being an "only."
Another issue we have encountered is regarding anything medical, death, or religion.
She plainly tells me that she doesn't want to talk or see anything about it because of Ian. This became somewhat awkward around Christmas time, with discussions of Jesus and Nativity scenes everywhere. Kind of hard to avoid.
The other issue we have encountered is regarding the "diving issue."
Since the day of the accident, Isabel has inquired over and over when she can go back to diving.
The first couple months, we avoided the finality of that sport, telling her "we will think about it." We didn't avoid pools. We didn't make her stop jumping in. We DID ask her to jump further in, away from the side. We DID ask her to not run around the pool. Regular stuff.
A few months down the road, we finally responded to her requests with the final "WE ARE NEVER DOING DIVING AGAIN...EVER"
She cried. She was upset. I was upset. Why doesn't she understand? She is very smart, just apparently not very smart when it comes to sensitivity.
That led to her, today, asking "Is there a diving board on the cruise ship to Mexico?"
The overall tone was... teasing.
Is my daughter teasing me about her brother's death? I AM NOT HAVING IT!
I repeated to her "You are not going to do diving. EVER. Also, do not ask me about it anymore because you should know better by now and are smart enough to know it upsets me."
Needless to say. She was upset by my response. She tried flouncing off in a tantrum but I grabbed her arm. "Do you understand?!"
"YES!"
She spent ten minutes in her room and then emerged as if nothing happened. I knew she was apologetic and I made her work it off in laundry duties. Redemption for her.
I can't give into the belief that she is insensitive or that she is not smart enough to understand, but I am trying to figure out what to do from "moment" to "moment." She has her moments where she has her own "Ian" day. Where she misses him so achingly and wishes he was here to play with. She absolutely cannot stand to see me cry and holds me when I sob. She sometimes walks on eggshells trying to prevent something that may trigger my copious tears. Christmas tree decorating was hard for her. She missed him very much as she hung his ornaments for him. She seems to miss him. But rarely.
I'm not sure where this is going. I am waiting until she is older and more mature to discuss what happened and what she feels about it. In the meantime I think I am feeling around in the dark trying not to mess her up too badly.
Do they do parent children counseling together?
ReplyDeleteI don't think she means to hurt you, she is just being honest. Children are by nature selfish creatures. Their world is very small and they only see what is happening right now and only what is right in front of them. It is probably like that to protect them and their innocence about life. I think you are doing the right thing by reminding her that she hurts your feelings with what she says.