The Missing Time Continuum of Death

It has been a year-and-a-half since my son's death. That long?!?

I was sitting on my brother's couch this week, holding his new sleeping baby. I was so enjoying myself, that I refused to relinquish her to her parents, even though my lunch/dinner was ready. I just love infant sprawled across my chest.

Baby Georgia

While feeding and rocking baby Georgia, I was also working on keeping my, almost two year old niece, in line. 

"Harley! Get down! Harley! Harley!"

No response.

I immediately slung sleeping baby to my shoulder and hefted myself out of the couch in the direction of my monkey-genetics-sharing niece who was scaling the baby gate.

"No! Get down!" I told her, as I grabbed one skinny arm and drug her off her baby table that she was using as very functional stool.

I resumed my position on the couch. Baby Georgia had  missed this interaction with her sister and had slept through the journey across the room.

I settled back in with the sleeping baby and gazed at my other niece with slitted eyes... Harley glanced back at me and SMIRKED! A new game!

The mischievous Harley

This has been how I have been spending my few weeks between my Asia trip and Europe trip. Spending time with my nieces.

I realized, as I held baby Georgia, "I didn't get to hold Harley like this as a baby." I commented to my brother.

Harley was born just before Ian's accident, in May. I recall only one evening that I was allowed to spend with Harley sprawled across my chest as I watched Food Network in the back room. I think I was allowing her parent's to nap for a few hours.

I remember holding her and flipping through the channels in the dark. I glanced down at her face and caught her milk-smiling. The smile that infants make when they are full and sleepy.

I grabbed my cell phone and caught a couple close ups. I was extremely entranced!

Sleepy Baby Harley

Baby Harley

That summer I had just landed my online teaching job. I spent the days entertaining my children in a myriad of activities such as swimming, roller skating, beach trips... My evening were immersed in phone calls to students and tons of grading. I was hoping my efforts would lead to a full time job.

I got that full time job in July, 2012, and my hours just increased ten-fold. The kids weren't back in school yet. I didn't have time for my new niece.

Summer 2012

Ceramics Summer 2012

Isabel Beach Summer 2012

Ian, Beach, 2012

Then tragedy struck on September 11, the day Ian fell.

My brother, Sean, raced to the hospital, since he was taxi-cab driving in Orlando, and was the first one to be admitted into the ER. I remember laughing at him afterwards that he told the front desk he was Ian's "Godfather."

"Why Godfather? You are the Uncle? You have more rights." I teased him.

"I thought "Godfather" would get me in quicker," he replied.

Sean spent most days in the hospital with us. Even though he had a new baby at home and his Fiancé was working full time and going to school full time. His Fiancé, Pam, called me several times and asked if there was anything she could do. I replied each time, "No, you are working so hard right now. Just take care of that baby." She still says that she regrets not being down at the hospital with us.

After Ian died, I found it painful to be around children. Even my niece. I couldn't handle the smell. The soft skin. The memories of when "Ian" did that.

I even went so far as to tell my brother NOT to ask me to babysit, because I couldn't handle the emotions of his baby.

He respected that.

Chris with Harley after Ian died

Now...though...as I look at Harley, and I chase her across the dining room to pull her off the chair, I realize that I missed out. I missed her!

Missed this stage with Harley

I don't even recognize Harley in this picture!

I realize now, that it was stupid (perhaps survival) to have asked for distance from my little niece. I think I needed that bonding time with her as a baby and as I yell at her for the 14th time in one minute, I feel the lack of bonding that I am creating with baby Georgia.

I actually think my whole family missed that initial 6 months with Harley, while mourning Ian. We lost our time with her. We lost so much time in general. This, I think, is just the one of the symptoms  of lost time. I feel that I don't know my niece at all. I am working on fixing that.

Baby Georgia

We lost so much time on so many fronts, sitting in our fog of grief. I will probably find more and more things that I have missed out on over the past 1.5 years and THEN I will have to face that grief. I don't look forward to it.